[19718]

Hi folks: I wanted to post this because I wanted your opinion. I've seen all kinds of people profiles on this site, so I thought I could get various opinions. So here goes. . .

I'm in a relationship where I support my significant other. We have children from other relationships. Overall everything is good. I support everything she wants to do and she's not employed right now. So I handle all the expenses, but I do give her money on paydays so she can buy what she needs for herself, the kids and the household. She drives a car I'm paying for, lives in a house I'm buying for us; I'm handling all the bills that come to the house. The only problem is that our intimacy is not regular and sometimes I'm so busy at work that we don't get to just be together and alone for two months or more. So we decided to try to have date nights and try to send time together when we can. But it's hard with children and other things coming into play that take that time away.

I was married once before and had a roommate for almost nine years before I decided to get married to again. The first time, I was 24 and not ready to be married. Now I'm older and I think I can make better decisions. My wife and I met were online friends first and then we decided to get married. She has been married four times before and I didn't think about that before for now I see that each of those relationships effected how she is today. She did tell me that she's suffering from pre-menapause, which runs early in her family. She's only 39 years old. So I try to understand her mood swings and it kills intimacy. Sometimes 3 or 4 months at a time. I'm trying to deal with it, but it is not easy. She puts up a wall of security until she feels comfortable to open up completely. I feel that she's under the impression that if she gives too much, she'll be let down again. So we have only been married less than two years and I've tried to be loving and do all the things that I think a loving husband would do for a woman he cares about. I buy flowers just because it's Tuesday, for example and I give her gifts, out of the blue. I try to call her everyday just to let her know I'm thinking about her. When she mentions that she likes something, I try to remember and get it at a later date to see a smile on her face when she gets it. After all this. She still withdraws and shows very little intimacy. I know I love her and I'll try to be a better husband to her than any of her previous ones. Handling all the expenses and taking care of my other three children, too, I can't always do extra things and special things for her. But I do take care of the basic needs of the household. She likes to shop, she likes to get things she likes and I do try, but sometimes finances won't allow for it. I don't want her to base intimacy on getting things or being able to spend money. Yet, that's the way I feel sometimes. I noticed that when she gets to go shopping and spend money, she seems more loving and when things are tight, she withdraws. I'm hoping that she will look at the bigger picture and love me no matter what. She has considered working part time to have a little extra money, and I'm okay with that. Anything to keep our relationship close and loving. I didn't get married to give up intimacy, but I love her enough to work this out and try to do things to create love and intimacy, by keeping her happy. She's a great mom at home with the children and that's why I don't disagree with her being at home. But, I also told her to work with what income we do have and then she can be a stay at home mom. These days, most families have two incomes and if she can work with one income I think our lives would be happier, but she complaints when money is tight. So what do I do? I do love her, but she is so withdrawn from me intimately, otherwise, I do feel that she loves me otherwise. When we are intimate, it's great, but sometimes it's three months or more of no intimacy. I thought at least once a month was regular, anything longer is unreasonable considering I still try to be loving on my end. I try to meet all of her needs, but she doesn't do the same for me. The pre-menapause can be the cause of this, so I try to be as loving as I can. But, not getting that love in return sometimes, hurts me a lot. I'm trying to come up with ways to keep our relationship the way it was at the very beginning. I appreciate your comments and thanks for reading my story.

Jr.

[Barbilyn]

Wow!! You have more patience than anyone I've ever heard of.
She is rude and cold and she is either going to change, lose you, or
the two of you will have a cold, dead marriage with each of you
growing more and more resentful of each other.
Since that was written in 2006, I'd love to hear an update.
I'm surprized that no one else has written in to tell him he is
being taken advantage of.